I met someone at a restaurant yesterday and; of course, I had to talk about what I am doing now. Well, he was kind enough to share his family's journey with his Dad. But, my heart broke when he told me that the first time his Dad didn't recognize him, he stopped going to visit him. I just listened to his story and told him I was sorry for his loss. I truly am. I wish I had known him before his Dad had died.
We need to understand how to connect with our loved ones each time we go, not where we are, but where THEY are in that moment. People living with dementia and their symptoms don't just change weekly or daily, but can change moment to moment. So everytime you visit, you will not know what to expect, unless you OBSERVE before you approach.
Slow down your initial approach. Pause at the doorway or at least six feet and say hello. Look at their face carefully to see if they recognize you. Observe their body language. If they wave or give you a smile or even say your name, chances are they are having a good day.
If they do call you by name; then by all means, refer to them by the name you usually do. However, if they look at you strangely if you call them Mom/Dad, you may want to just call them by their first name instead of trying to correct them. Please don't keep asking them "Don't you remember me?" This will give them more anxiety. Instead slow your approach, extend your hand and introduce yourself: "Hello, Mary. I'm Nancy." Don't enter their personal space unless they invite you to come closer.
Now that you have connected, what do I talk about? Sometimes it is best to bring something for them to look at, taste, smell, listen to, or feel. Try such things as a book with beautiful photos, a soft scarf, fabric sented with essential oil, a favorite recording of music or a piece of fruit you know they would enjoy.
Try different things, and see what types of items that seem to interest them the most. You do NOT need to buy something new or expensive. Use things you have or things that are already familiar to them. Playing music and singing with them is wonderful (see previous blog.)
The key is to bring something that doesn't necessarily depend on them knowing or remembering you. If it is a day they are having trouble remembering, I wouldn't bring out the family photos. It will just leave you upset and then they will get upset as well.
If it is a bad day and they are feeling down or upset, use "I'm sorry" statements. Validate their feelings, mirror their emotions when you respond and let them know you have truly heard them (even if it is not true what they are saying).
Go with their flow. Be who they need you to be in the moment. It not only helps them, but it will help you not get frustrated.
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