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Writer's pictureNancy Rowe

Guilty, guilty, guilty




In caring for your loved one with dementia, I'm sure you feel a wide range of emotions. The one I hear of the most is GUILT!

Am I doing all I can? Why do others handle this so much better? I feel so angry! I feel bad I lost my patience with Mom. I NEED A BREAK! I feel bad about needing/asking for help. I feel guilty about moving Dad into memory care neighborhood, I promised him I wouldn't. I'm relieved she's finally gone.

All of these situations come with the GUILT. First of all, don't beat yourself up. Everyone needs to feel their own feelings--they are valid and you need to feel them. Please remember: YOU ARE NOT ALONE!

If you are asking yourself: "Am I doing all I can?" Guess what, you are! Never feel bad about asking for help. Caring for someone with Dementia is very difficult and overwhelming.

There are support groups everywhere. Other people going through the same thing can offer ideas of how to handle certain situations, or just listen while you let it all out.

Never compare youself to others. Each situation, family dynamic and dementia case is different. We never know what goes on behind closed doors. The person you think has it all together may not be dealing with what you are. If you are frustrated, that is perfectly understandable. Just remember, you are angry and frustrated with the DISEASE, not the person. They cannot control what is happening. You must breathe, count to ten, whatever you need to do to stay calm.

Finally, I think the guilt really hits when the person with dementia passes. The initial feeling is: She's not suffering anymore. Then the true guilt sets in. Why do I feel this way? She is my mom. I miss her. I feel such guilt that I'm glad she passed. Did I do everything I could to help her on her journey?

Again, it is the disease you are angy with, not the person. It can be a horrible journey at the end. Just trust yourself that you are doing all you can do and that you are NOT alone on this journey. There are so many people willing to help and walk with you along the way.

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